Last night in class we (Taylor and I) tried to tackle the ever elusive topic of dating with our youth group. I call it ever elusive because the label of “dating” seems to change every couple of years. When I was a teenager it was called “going out” – even though, for most of us, we didn’t actually “go” anywhere. The generation ahead of us called it “going steady.” I learned last night that today’s teenagers define dating digitally. Facebook status updates from “single” to “In A Relationship With _________” is more appropriate signs of “dating.” Also, communication is primarily started through Facebook, and then moves into texting each other. It was interesting to me that when I asked them, “So, when does the face-to-face conversation actually occur?” They responded with, “Skype.” Very interesting.
Our purpose on Wednesday nights this semester have been to try and find out if truth actually exists and, if so, what are the impacts of truth for our lives? Because we all live in a postmodern world – we are all bombarded with the idea that truth is relative. Truth is something that is defined by the individual, for the individual. In teenagers culture, and mainstream culture in general, it is socially inappropriate and unacceptable for one person to push his truth onto another person, because the truth of the one person may not line up with the truth of the second person. We tend to shy away from making absolute statements, and we even label the people who do make absolutely statements as being either incredibly conservative or incredible liberal. That’s the basic influence of postmodern thinking in our world, and it is intensified in teenage culture.
So, back to the dating thing. Last night, Taylor and I wanted to begin a conversation with our youth group about the truth of dating. What is the purpose of dating? What is your role (as the male, or as the female) in dating? When you begin a dating relationship, what is the goal? And finally, what function or role does sexuality play in a dating relationship? Obviously these topics are far too deep to be able to cover in a 1 hour session with our youth group, but our goal was to get the conversation started, and bring a level of truth to an area of conversation that often is left up to the teenager to decide.
If you knew me at all in high school, then this part will make you laugh. Taylor and I started by sharing our dating experiences. I went first. It took me about 5-7 minutes to describe the kind of person I was in high school when it came to dating. Long story short (and yes I actually counted it out yesterday) I had a different girlfriend all the time. I counted at least 21 girls in about a 6 or 7 year span of my life that I dated in some form or fashion. There was lots of laughing. It was fun. Taylor on the other hand took 30 seconds to say, “I’ve never dated anyone but Lance.” We make quite a team. We are the opposite ends of the dating spectrum.
Taylor and I spent some time talking about the 5 Love Languages. They are Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service. Each of these is a way of communicating and receiving love. We talked about the importance of knowing what your love language is, but also the importance of knowing what someone else’s love language is. We feel like the truth about love is that everybody wants love on some level – the problem is that we often don’t know how to effectively and healthily communicate love. If teenagers can grasp what their love language is, they can have more meaningful friendships, relationships with their parents, and relationships in regards to dating because they can say, “I feel most loved when…”
After that, we talked about the effects of communicating in love languages in a dating relationship. If two people are effectively communicating their love languages, attraction will increase. Plain and simple. The truth is, that is how we were created. If we are effectively communicating and receiving love with the person that we are dating the attraction level will increase. The danger in that is that a dating relationship is different from a marriage. We were created by God to take our attraction and desire for each other all the way to sexual intercourse; that’s how God created us. It’s not wrong to feel that attraction and have that desire for someone you date. It’s not wrong to want to go farther with someone you’re dating – or someone you may be “in love” with, because we were all created to want to go all the way. So, how far is too far for a dating relationship? That’s the million dollar question that all teenagers want to know.
In social science there has actually been a study that gauges the level of intimacy we share. The gauge is like a ladder. This is how it goes:
Ladder of Intimacy
Eye to Body –> Eye to Eye –>Voice to Voice –>Hand to Hand –>Arm to Shoulder –>Arm to Waist –>Mouth to Mouth –>Hand to Head –> Hand to Body –>Mouth to Breast –>Hand to Genitals –> Sexual Intercourse
I actually got 12 students standing across the front of the room that each represented one rung of this ladder. I started on the Eye to Body end and worked my way up to Sexual Intercourse explaining what each rung meant. Then I asked them, starting with sexual intercourse, “Is this ok to happen in a dating relationship?” They said, “No!” I stepped down to Hand to Genitals and asked, “Is this ok to happen in a dating relationship?” They said, “No!” I stepped down to Mouth to Breast and I asked, “Is this ok to happen in a dating relationship?” They said, “No!” I stepped down to Hand to Body (which is defined as touching parts of the body that would normally be covered by a bathing suit) and asked if this was ok in a dating relationship and they said “No!” I stepped down to hand to head and asked again, “Is this ok in a dating relationship?” Then I got a resounding, “Yes!” At that point I stopped and looked at them and I said, “Here’s your line. The truth of the matter is that those things (pointing toward the way of sexual intercourse) are reserved solely for a marriage relationship. However, when we think in terms of ‘Where’s the line so I know how far I can go without getting in trouble,’ we wind up going over the line. We were not created to stop once we get going on this ladder and we can’t just shut it off once we get to this point.”
Taylor then got up and talked about how a marriage is a covenant relationship, and how that type of relationship is different from a dating relationship, and because marriage is a covenant relationship it has its freedoms, blessings, and rewards. A dating relationship isn’t a covenant, because dating relationships come and go – and that’s why we shouldn’t go beyond that line in our dating relationships. When we go beyond that line in our dating relationships we share our most intimate relationship in a relationship that isn’t committed (or covenanted) for life.
We wrapped up class by reading 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 where Paul is telling the church that it is God’s will that we be sanctified by avoiding sexual immorality. God’s command is that we have control over our bodies and our desires. That passage goes on to say, “He who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God…” (verse 8). The truth in dating is that God wants you to be self controlled. The truth in dating is that God wants you to avoid sexual immorality, not because he wants to deprive you of looking, or touching, or sex; but that he wants you to trust in his plan for marriage. Just like we get to enjoy freedom, and blessing, and reward in a covenant relationship with Christ – we get to enjoy sexual freedom, blessing, and reward in the covenant of marriage.
It was a great class. God is good.